Eight Bosses , so that means when I make a mistake, I have eight people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only motivation is not to be hassled, that and fear of losing my job. But you know, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. Office Space
Boss: Drop everything you are doing! I need you to look at something right now!! . I know you are not over this project but “Joe Blow” is on vacation or called in sick or something. (And we didn’t schedule anyone to cover for him/her). We (the bosses) have asked everyone else but nobody seems to know what is going on or what to do. “You are our only hope…”
ME: Under my Breath “Was that supposed to be a compliment??”
BOSS: Almost jumping up and down now. “It is a code red / like we could all lose our jobs type emergency here Noodle!” “I mean It has been escalated to the VIP of the VIP of the VIP to that guy ranked so high in the company that nobody in the office has heard them !!! “We are all counting on you, this time, Noodle”
Boss: “Now before start on this I will need you to write up a status of where we are on this situation and what we are going to do about it.” “OK ?”
“I will need this ASAP so I can send it to upper managament ” (as her own of course with no mention of me). “They have also requested hourly status updates to be kept up-to-date on “OUR” progress in this matter”. So make sure to seperate your status updates please . One is to be sent to me and another formal one to the client’s VIPs and copy me on it .! Got it ?”
BOSS : “NOODLE . Are you writing all of this down ?? “
ME: “Yes, of course,” Scrambling for anything that looks like paper or trying to open blank word document on my laptop hoping I don’t accidently bring up the Daily Fantasy Football or poker material I was reading .
BOSS: “So we need hourly updates sent to the client. Make sure these are very detailed and professional.”
ME: “PROMPT UPDATES TO THE CLIENT EVERY HOUR ! Yes ! You got it ! “
Boss: “Wait, Oh no Noodle, it is almost time for the hourly update I promised everyone that we (you) would be sending …”
ME: But I don’t even know what the problem issssss…. yet. You haven’t ev……….. (I know she no fkn clue what this emergency is about other that somewhere in an email chain there is a clients name that is an unknown ).
BOSS: “Ohhhhh I know you can do this Noodle, You always come through for us!” “I will send you the email chain right away”
ME: What email chain ? What .. Are.. you are ……
BOSS: “Thanks again Noodle … If anyone here can do it I know you can. Get those updates! And let’s work as a team here. “
Email update to Internal management 15 minutes later:
I have reviewed the issue and will be providing possible causes and solutions to our development team before confirming any software bugs.
Will send status when development responds. if development does not provide a response within the 1-hour time frame given, I will request development management escalate internally. (Dev is totally swamped. This should take about a month).
Check Email contact information in the email chain. Find the unknown name or VIP and get phone # from the signature.
Call the said VP and explain how much I know about everything that can be possibly be known by one human on this subject. Explain how he is so important that I wrote a specific and very complex detection script just for this issue he is so concerned about. Also that the results of this detection script indicate that it may be a bug in the software but it is hard to say and we should allow the processes that are in place to work for us . We will need to place this matter in the hands of our development team. Because of the serious adverse effects that may come if we make a hasty decision now and try to fix this without the proper testing and going through the proper channels ! The VP agrees with my assessment (I mean who wouldn’t? ) and sends an email to all parties including upper management explaining how very lucky he is to have chosen my company and have someone like Noodle looking out his company’s interests. He takes all the credit and explains that we should await results from development before taking any drastic measures !!
I go back to checking my DFS lineups and think about my vacation in 3 weeks. What will they do without me when I am gone ?
Also published on Medium.